Alright, DC Metro Area drivers, I've got some beef to pick with you. Y'all suck! I mean, you guys REALLY suck. Okay, okay, maybe not every last one of you, but enough of you people are so bad the rest of us can only drive around in sheer terror and frustration. Now, I understand that there are many respectable reasons why your driving might not be the best: you're not from around here (who is really? (well, I am (I know, strange, isn't it?))), there is construction everywhere (to this day, this is my biggest problem with the stimulus package), you have an important text to send ("OMG LOL U R MY BFF" do you realize with the advent of smart phones, it is actually harder to text that way?), you dropped your doobie and need you're trying to find it (seriously, man, you paid good money for that grass), you are from Maryland, you have DC plates (I'm pretty sure that having DC plates might be causal regardless of where you are from), you're a jerk... I mean really, the list could just go on and on but it's getting to be too much for me to handle. My not-so-internal-and-really-external monologue while I'm driving has progressed to the point where I am about ready to go Christian Bale on you. So, in an effort to save my soul, I have decided to put together a sort of primer to help save the lives and souls of countless DC area drivers.
1. Take the Metro- Look, I get it, driving inside the Beltway is tough. But DC has one the best public transit systems in the country, and with over 1 Million riders a day I'm sure they can accommodate one more rider. It may not be perfect but it's a hell of a lot better than making me want to kill you because I'm getting to the end of my rope and I might just snap. As my uncle always would say, "If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen."
2. Under NO circumstances should you drive below the speedlimit- I can't believe I need to explain this to you people. Countless times I have found myself stuck behind drivers going only 45mph and needing to step on the break, this is unacceptable. The speedlimit on our freeways is 55mph: this is actually the lower limit to the speed that you should be driving.
Corollary A to 2. If you are in the left hand lane you are either passing traffic or getting out of the left lane
Corollary B to 2. When entering the highway you MUST accelerate. Again, I know you are probably not from around here and I don't know how they teach you to drive in North Dakota but you're in the Big City now. By the time that solid white line on your left turns into a dashed one, you should be at speed with the traffic you're about to merge with. I know it can be hard if you're driving a 1995 Geo Metro but you have just got to put the pedal to the metal and unleash that hamster. And the worst thing you could ever do when entering a highway is to slow down. If another person decides to slow down instead of speed up in front of me... well, somebody gonna get hurt.
3. Following closer does not make things go faster, it just doesn't- In fact, following closer would seem to cause more traffic problems than it solves: less time for reaction, enraging passive-aggressive drivers (like yours truly) who will slow down purposefully, no space for drivers to merge into, etc. So take it from me, touching our bumpers will get you nowhere... unless you're trying to get a good look at the back of my head. You will, however, be sorely disappointed, all the good stuff is up front.
4. "Oooh, look at the monuments! Oh my gosh, we're all going to die!"- this is what you should avoid at all costs. I can assure you, that despite how awesome they may seem as you are whizzing by, the monuments look far better when you are afoot (having had this as my home for well over 25 years, I speak from authority), just pay attention to the road.
Christ told us, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" (Mt 22:37-39) Each presents its own difficulties for me. I am seemingly tempted to break the second commandment every time I get into a car. So if you care for my soul, you might try following Dr. Harvey's two suggestions for driving in the DC area: 'Don't be an ass' and 'get off the road'.
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